So what is so offensive about “diddums”? Well it’s personal. And that’s the trouble with trying to decide, as a broadcaster or writer, what is likely to offend and whether any offence would be justified. It’s very personal, and there is precious little logic to it. Take the four-letter word for having sex, not the f-word but the b-word: bonk. Almost totally inoffensive, you can use it in almost any company without causing offence – in fact it is pretty well guaranteed to raise a smile, particularly when used in connection with John Prescott. It was, I believe, invented by the tabloid press, which needed a brief way of referring to the sexual act that would not result in their readership f*****g off. (“Shag” is of course also useful, as in Two-Shags Prescott).

But words still do offend. Indeed, survey after BBC survey on what causes offence reveals that it is “ bad language”, not explicit sex or brutal violence, that most offends viewers and listeners. The trouble is that it is almost impossible to compile a definitive list of words that cause offence. Language is, of course, fluid and new words and phrases are continually entering the vocabulary. And, to complicate matters, old inoffensive words suddenly become newly offensive. Consider, for example, “Negro”. Forty years ago it was purely descriptive and largely inoffensive. Now it is regarded as insulting – except that young blacks have now started using it again, much to the disgust of their elders. It’s difficult to keep up. Those who review past programmes for re-showing on the BBC digital network’s BBC 7 have some tricky decisions to make when confronted with Till Death us Do Part’s Alf Garnett expressing his pungent views on “Pakis”, and Round the Horne, with its jokes about “queers”.

It isn’t surprising that this is a delicate area for broadcasters in particular, because in radio and television the words are, of course, spoken, not read, and often are heard in public. Most of us, I suspect, can remember laughing out loud at a sexual joke when reading or alone in front of the television, but sitting very uncomfortably and wishing to be somewhere else when the same joke was told with your mother sitting next to you on the couch. The same often applies if children are in the room. A Radio 4 Feedback listener put it this way: “I regard my radio as a friend and I wouldn’t expect a friend to come into my house and use foul language.”

Viewers and listeners also hate being taken by surprise and want to be warned so they can prepare themselves and their family for what is to be broadcast, or switch off. So the broadcasters have produced elaborate editorial guidelines (accessible on the net) that producers are supposed to follow. They emphasise tone and context and do not underestimate the complexity of the issue. As the BBC Guidelines make clear: “Different words cause different degrees of offence in different parts of the world. So a person’s age, sex, education, employment, belief, nationality, and where they live, all impact on whether or not they might be offended.” It’s enough to make you enter a monastery and take a vow of silence.

The BBC appears to have six commandments on the subject:

1. We do not include any offensive language in pre-school children’s programmes or websites (four years and under).
2. We must not include offensive language in programmes made for younger children except in the most exceptional circumstances.
3. We must not include offensive language before the watershed (9pm) or on radio (which has no watershed), when children are particularly likely to be in our audience, or in online content likely to appeal to a high proportion of children, unless it is justified by the context and then its frequent use must be avoided.
4. We must be able to justify the use of offensive language in challenging factual programmes, comedy and drama broadcast throughout the day on our speech radio stations. It will also generally require clear content information (ie a warning).
5. We must not include the most offensive language before the watershed, or on radio when children are particularly likely to be in our audience, or in online content likely to appeal to a high proportion of children.
6. We must make careful judgments about the use of the most offensive language post-watershed and ensure it is clearly signposted.

So there is a little wriggle-room there, but hardly any for the most offensive words, which are deemed to be cunt, motherfucker and fuck, although a viewer of Forty Years of Fuck on BBC3 recently would have heard them all delivered with relish, albeit at 10.30 at night. More of that later. In September last year, Ofcom, which regulates all non-BBC broadcasting and much else, conducted a fascinating “contextual investigation “into Language and Sexual Imagery in Broadcasting, concluding: “Participants felt that swearing and offensive language has increased and become more widespread over time. It is seen as a symptom of a decline in public standards”. Unsurprisingly, they blamed young people for being most offensive and showing least respect.

Seven areas of insult

INSULTS: bastard, bitch, cocksucker, dickhead, motherfucker, prickteaser, slag, slut, wanker, whore.
BODY PARTS: arse, arsehole, balls, bollocks, bum (yes, really), cock, crap, cunt, dick, fart, knob, prick, pussy, shit, tits, twat.
RELIGIOUS: bastard God, bloody God, Jesus, Jesus Christ, Jesus fucking Christ, Jesus shitting Christ.
SEX: bonk (surprising me and challenging my earlier point), bugger, fuck/fucking, poke, screw, shag.
CONDITION/ORIENTATION: batty boy, dyke (not as in Greg), faggot, nutter, poof, queer, retard, schizo, spastic.
RACIAL ABUSE: chink, kike, nigger, Paki, Papist, pikey, spade, Yid.
ETHNIC MINORITY: blaad claat, bumbu, chi-chi man, ho, hoochie, punani.

I clearly need to get out more as there are quite a few words there I’ve never heard, on or off the air. But Ofcom’s interviewees are convinced that there is more bad and offensive language in broadcasting than there used to be, which may be as a result of the rise in so-called reality shows. To use in the survey, Ofcom collected 10 clips from pre- and post-watershed programmes in 2004. The reactions to them are fascinating and, in some cases, surprising.

Drama and entertainment focus groups were shown an episode of Only Fools and Horses (BBC1, 9.30pm), which used the word “Mong”, as in Mongoloid and slang for imbecile – there wasn’t much concern. “You bitch” was said in an episode of Emmerdale (ITV, 7pm): no real worries there – it was thought to be in character. A father in My Parents are Aliens (ITV, 4.30pm) said, “I’m not a retard”. That polarised opinion more than most. Tanya in FootballersWives (ITV, 9pm) said, “Jesus shitting Christ”, and, although the phrase was disliked by most, in the context of the drama most thought it was not offensive. The most offensive clip in the drama and entertainment area was thought to be from Channel 4’s Union Jack (1.10pm), containing various words and phrases considered distasteful, with Sharon Osbourne, pretending to be an agony aunt, using the words “arsewipe” and (bleeped) “fuck”. Offence caused was due to the timing and the fact that it was unexpected.

In the reality and documentaries area little offence was taken at the use of “shit, shit, shit”, in No Going Back (C4, 8pm), nor at “fucking mad man” in Bad Lad’s Army (ITV2, 9pm) although there was a desire to see it broadcast closer to 10pm. One of the celebrities, disappointed about not being voted out in Ant and Dec’s I’m a Celebrity – Get Me Out of Here (ITV, 9pm) said “Fucking cunts”. This was particularly offensive to older people (55+), British Asians, and parents of older children, but two thirds thought that the transmission time was suitable. BBC2 broadcast at 9pm a documentary about three London-based girl gangs in which the words “Paki” and “nigger” were used. This was highly offensive to a third of correspondents and everyone agreed there should be a time restriction on its use. Finally, an episode of Trouble at the Top (BBC2 9.50pm) contained the phrases “fucking mullet” and “Jesus fucking Christ”. It was, perhaps not unsurprisingly, a chef under pressure who used the words. Older respondents were very offended, younger respondents less so.

So what can we conclude from all this? To me some of the most striking things are the continuing support for the watershed, the different responses of older and younger correspondents and the extraordinarily wide range of potentially offensive words. Most people, however, are well able to differentiate between the gratuitous use of offensive language and its effective use in context. And the audience seems to have different expectations of different channels. I wonder if Channel 4’s Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares, in which celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay seems to say “fuck” at least once in every sentence, would be acceptable on BBC2? I don’t think so.

Simply tried to shock

The BBC3 programme held some surprises. I had forgotten that, 40 years ago, Alf Garnett was saying “bloody” frequently, and before 9pm, on BBC1. I had thought “bloody” came from “God’s blood”, instead of from “By Our Lady”, and I had forgotten that the favourite expletive of Ronnie Barker’s Fletcher in BBC1’s Porridge, “Naff off ”, was invented for the series by the writers Ian La Frenais and Richard Clement. It is clearly pointless banning offensive words in their entirety, as that is just a red rag to a bull, but equally it is pointless to offend people without having a good reason to do so, particularly in broadcasting. Bad language, used sparingly and in the right context, can be very effective, but the simple attempt to shock is usually undertaken by those who have nothing to say, and some swear words are used with such frequency that they are meaningless. We have perhaps the richest language in the world with, thanks to Norman, Viking, Anglo Saxon and other immigrant groups, an immensely wide choice of words and synonyms. We have few excuses for witless repetition.

By the way, if this article has truly pissed you off, I’ll be glad to hear from you and won’t be offended by any language you choose to use. But could you please not say “diddums”.